Saw a poster for a summer program with the slogan: “I was relentless. Are you?”
And my immediate answer was “no.” (It was for some pre-professional program. The girl looked fierce but not very relentless either.)
I haven’t been relentless in a long while. It may feel like that with busying myself running around, meeting-hopping and drifting into sleep in lecture on an empty stomach. But I know it’s not a valid kind of “lessness” of relent. It’s a pretense of the legitimate productivity and zoomzoom I know I’m more than capable of. That intense focus in the mid-years of high school where I thrived in absorbing as much as I could, thinking to the depth of the world and back and finding real meaning in all that I did. Loving life wasn’t a mere credo but a mode of existence. This semester, more than anything, I want to rediscover my academic drive, pull it out from under the bed, dust it off with some perspicacity and elbow grease and keep pushing forward. Oh, and ”pull up my socks,” as S says, which I still don’t think is a legitimate expression.
I finally made the decision to take a temporary leave from the band, Mr. D was more than understanding and his email response was so moving in its simplicity: a gentle, unassuming offer of support was really all that I needed. I’m really grateful I’m involved in groups that watch out for me and encourage me to grow, allow me the space when I need to.
I will figure myself out. The decision to be away from 5 hours of music-making was difficult and I will make it worth it in pursuit of the thing that I’m missing from my college experience so far, which I set out across the continent in search for.
I will be relentless. I will learn. I will thrive again.
In the meanwhile, need to look up and observe more of these posters/visual innundation.
In other news, it feels it will rain today. I will do my laundry and welcome this new Lunar New Year in the right motivated, fabric-softened mindset.
In other news, thanks to fantastico amigos for being there for me through all my weird bouts.
